Sunday, February 26, 2017

The Funniest Senior Moment

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.


She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story?
If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.

Please share this fun story with friends

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One Of The Best Argument Ever I Read

Don’t miss even a single word. It’s too good.

An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, The Almighty.

He asks one of his new students to stand and what happens next is "a must read."

In 1902, a professor asked his student whether it was God who created everything that exists in the universe ?

Student replied : Yes

He again asked : what about evil ?

Has God created evil also ?

The student got silent....

Then the student requested that may he ask a question for him ?

Professor allowed him to do so.


He asked : Does cold exist

Professor said : yes ! Don't You feel the cold dear

Student said : I'm sorry but your wrong sir.

Cold is a complete absence of heat..

There is no cold, it is only an absence of heat.

Student asked again : Does darkness exist ?

Professor said : yes !

Student replied : your again wrong sir.

There is no such thing like darkness.

Its actually the absence of light. Sir ! We always study light & heat, but not cold & darkness.

Similarly, the evil does not exist.

Actually it is the absence of love, faith & true belief in God.

That student was Albert Einstein...!!!

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Who Are The Real Robbers?

During a robbery, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: “Don’t move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you.”

“Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called “Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.
When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: “Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!”

“This is called “Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!


When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): “Big brother, let’s count how much we got.”

The older robber rebutted and said: “You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!”


This is called “Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: “Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.
This is called “Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: “It will be good if there is a robbery every month.”
This is called “Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank.

The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: “We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!”
This is called “Knowledge is worth as much as gold!”

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.
This is called “Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!

So who are the real robbers here?

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Saturday, February 25, 2017

Honey, What's for Dinner?

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a response."


That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response so,

He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
.
.
.
.
.

"Smith, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"

Moral of the story:
The problem may not be with the other one as we always think, but could be very much within us ...!

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Woman Goes to Her Boyfriend’s Parents’ House For Dinner

A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.


It wasn’t loud,but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, “Skippy!”.

The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, “Dammit Skippy!”


Once again the woman smiled and thought “Yes!”. A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

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Supreme Sacrifice By Husband - Your Stomach Will Ache On Laughing After Reading This

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”


She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: “Happy Birthday!”

I fainted!!!!!!

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Where do we came from?

A little girl asked her mother,

“How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered,

“God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made..”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..


"Father, how did human race appear?"

The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,

“Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother answered,

“Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

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My Boy That Was Incredible! Fantastic!

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators.

He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion.

The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces,
“My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!”

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!
There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear.

The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries.

The millionaire was impressed.

He said, “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?”

The guy says, “Listen, I don’t want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!”

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What Is The Fastest Thing You Know?

A manager at SM market had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’

The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.
‘That’s very good!’ replied the interviewer. ‘And, now you sir?’, he asked the second man.

‘Hmmm… let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’
‘Excellent!’ said the interviewer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliche for speed.’ He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.


‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light,’ he said.

Turning to Pnoy, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Pnoy replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’

‘WHAT!?’ said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

‘Oh sure’, said Pnoy. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t my pants.’

Pnoy is now the new greeter at a SM market near you!

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Thursday, February 23, 2017

Intelligence Of An Old Man - Betting Game

IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I’m not sure the IRS finds… that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you’d be happy about it.’

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