Monday, February 20, 2017

The Old Lady's Humor - Don't Challenge A Senior Citizen

A 78 year little old lady walks into the Bank of Canada with a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the president of the bank.

She tells the bank president that she has accumulated several hundred thousand dollars over the years and would like to open a trust in the bank.

The president is curious, so he asks her, “Where did you get all this money?” The old lady replies, “I make bets.”

The president then asks, “Bets? What kind of bets?”

The old woman says, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

“Ha!??” laughs the president, “That’s ridiculous — you can never win that kind of bet!”

The old lady challenges, “So, would you like to take my bet?”

“Sure,” says the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”






The little old lady says, “OK. I’ll bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10 a.m. as a witness, and we’ll see.”

The next morning, the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president’s office. “OK,” she says, “Time to drop your pants and settle this bet.”

The president complies. The little old lady peers closely at his balls and asks if she could feel them. “Well, OK,” says the bank president, “since there’s so much money on the line.”

Just then, the lawyer starts banging his head against the wall. The president asks the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?”

She replies, “I bet him $50,000 that at 10 a.m. today, I’d have the president of the Bank of Canada’s balls in my hand.”

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Sunday, February 19, 2017

Wife vs. Girlfriend vs. beard - Guess who is cheating?


A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard.

“Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”

James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…





“Oh really, I can’t,” he replied. “My wife loves this beard!!”

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife was awakened somewhat, felt his face and replied, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here, my husband will be home soon!”

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Friday, February 17, 2017

Never Argue With Woman!

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.



The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

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How many of you love your Husbands?


There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?'

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember..

The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart.
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:





1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

2. What now? Did you crash the car again?

3. I don't understand what you mean?

4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!

5. ?!?

6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

7. Am I dreaming? ???????

8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!

9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!

. . . and the best one

10. Who is this?

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Thursday, February 16, 2017

Divorced Woman Revenge – Joke

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore.

She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!

The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.





The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.

The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds gain that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points own the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.

No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. For my last wish…

“I’d like to give birth to triplets”.

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Big trouble

Girl: I'm in a big trouble!

Boy: Why is that?

Girl: I saw a mouse in my house!

Boy: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.

Girl: I don't have one.

Boy: Well then, buy one.

Girl: Can't afford one.

Boy: I can give you mine if you want.





Girl: That sounds good.

Boy: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.

Girl: I don't have any cheese.

Boy: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.

Girl: I don't have oil.

Boy: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.

Girl: I don't have bread.

Boy: Then what the hell is that mouse doing at your house..??

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Women Will be Women

One Day A 54 year old lady had a heart attack & was taken to the hospital.

While on the operation, she had a near death experience.

On that Time, Seeing God she asked, "Is my Life Completed?"

God replied, "No, you have another 34 years to live."

Upon Heart Recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital & have a Face-Lift, Liposuction, & Tummy Tuck. She even changed her hair colors and style also.. Now she looks like 40 years Women..



Finally she was released from the hospital.

One day, While crossing the road on her way home, she was killed by a truck.

In Heaven, Arriving in front of God, she asked, "You said I had another 34 years to live. Why didn't you save me from the truck?"
.
.
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(You'll love this)
.
.
.
.

God replied: "I Couldn't Recognize You!"

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A Very Clever Cat

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.

As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.



At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

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The 3 Expensive Parrots

Once a man went to buy a parrot.....

Man: These parrots seem nice, but show me the best and healthy ones....

Shopkeeper: Sure sir, I have three best parrots.....

Soon the shopkeeper brought those 3 parrots.....

Man: How much each of them costs...??



Shopkeeper: The 1st parrot costs 1000$, 2nd parrot costs 2000$ and the 3rd parrot costs 5000$.

Man: That's interesting, but why so expensive....??

Shopkeeper: The 1st parrot can speak many languages and even knows about Windows XP.....

Man: Wow...What about the second parrot...??

Shopkeeper: Well he also knows many languages, plus he knows some things about Windows XP and Linux Operating System....

Man: That's amazing....What ­ about the 3rd one...Why he costs $5000....?? Which languages he knows...??

Shopkeeper: Well, frankly speaking, he just fires bad words and doesn't know anything, but the other two parrots call him"BOSS......!!"

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Men will never learn

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

It's a bad one, caused by the woman's reckless driving.

Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says;

“So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."



The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.

My car is completely damaged, but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police to come and collect their evidence."

Adam ate the apple again !

Men will NEVER learn !
Women will Never change!!!

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