Thursday, April 27, 2017

Mouthology

A Professor was traveling by boat. On his way he asked the sailor:

“Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography, physiology?

The sailor said no to all his questions.

Professor: What the hell do you know on earth. You will die of illiteracy.


After a while the boat started sinking. The Sailor asked the Professor, do you know swiminology & escapology from sharkology?

The professor said no.

Sailor: “Well, sharkology & crocodilogy will eat your assology, headology & you will dieology because of your mouthology.

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Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Wrong Email Address


A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.


When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

Image result for shocked old lady face

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

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Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Easy To Swallow?

My sister, Paula, and her husband, Chris, had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the children's room.

Rushing in, they found Tommy crying hysterically.

He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die.


No amount of talking could change his mind.

Trying to calm him, Chris palmed a 5p coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's ear.

Tommy, naturally, was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully - 'Do it again, Dad!'

Speed Trap! - A Funny True Story

Police Officer Bryant found a perfect hiding place for watching for over speeding motorists.

One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit,

so Bryant investigated and found the problem.


10 year old Dennis was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "Radar Trap Ahead."

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "Tips" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

Amusing Married Men Only Story Men Only

Apparently in a small town somewhere in the USA there is a large factory that will only recruit married men.

One of the local women, one Brenda Davy, a feisty young lady, was angry about this and demanded to speak to the manager to find out why.

Brenda demanded to know,
'Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous.......or what?'


'Not at all, Ma'am,' the Factory Manager replied.

'It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.'


Wednesday, April 19, 2017

You Can Take It With You

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed.

Soon afterward, he died and showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter.


St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, St. Peter checked it out, came back and said, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, "You brought pavement?"

"The great street of the city of heaven was of pure gold."
- Revelation 21:21


Wrong Funeral

I was at the funeral of my dearest friend ­ my mother. She finally had lost her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so intense; I found it hard to breathe at times. Always supportive, Mother clapped loudest at my school plays, held the box of tissues while listening to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father's death, encouraged me in College, and prayed for me my entire life.

When mother's illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle child without entanglements, to take care of her. I counted it an honor.

'What now, Lord?' I asked sitting in church. My life stretched out before me as an empty abyss. My brother sat stoically with his face toward the cross while clutching his wife's hand. My sister sat slumped against her husband's shoulder, his arms around her as she cradled their child. All so deeply grieving, no one noticed I sat alone.

My place had been with our mother, preparing her meals, helping her walk, taking her to the doctor, seeing to her medication, reading the Bible together. Now she was with the Lord...My work was finished, and I was alone. I heard a door open and slam shut at the back of the church. Quick footsteps hurried along the carpeted floor. An exasperated young man looked around briefly and then sat next to me. He folded his hands and placed them on his lap. His eyes were brimming with tears. He began to sniffle.


"I'm late," he explained, though no explanation was necessary.

After several eulogies, he leaned over and commented, "Why do they keep calling Mary by the name of Margaret?''

"Because, that was her name, Margaret. Never Mary, no one called her Mary,'" I whispered.

I wondered why this person couldn't have sat on the other side of the church. He interrupted my grieving with his tears and fidgeting. Who was this stranger anyway?

"Isn't this the Lutheran church?"

"No, the Lutheran church is across the street."

"Oh."

"I believe you're at the wrong funeral, Sir."

The solemness of the occasion mixed with the realization of the man's mistake bubbled up inside me and came out as laughter. I cupped my hands over my face, hoping it would be interpreted as sobs. The creaking pew gave me away. Sharp looks from other mourners only made the situation seem more hilarious. I peeked at the bewildered, misguided man seated beside me. He was laughing too, as he glanced around, deciding it was too late for an uneventful exit. I imagined Mother laughing.

At the final 'Amen,' we darted out a door and into the parking lot. "I do believe we'll be the talk of the town," he smiled.

He said his name was Rick and, since he had missed his aunt's funeral, asked me out for a cup of coffee. That afternoon began a lifelong journey for me with this man who attended the wrong funeral, but was in the right place. A year after our meeting, we were married at a country church where he was the assistant pastor. This time we both arrived at the same church, right on time.

In my time of sorrow, God gave me laughter. In place of loneliness, God gave me love. This past June, we celebrated our twenty-second wedding anniversary. Whenever anyone asks us how we met, Rick tells them, 'Her mother and my Aunt Mary introduced us, and it's truly a match made in heaven.'

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Tuesday, April 18, 2017

What Do Women Really Want? The Answer To This Question Will Amazed You!

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!


Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered... is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beau replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now... what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way...
Things are going to get ugly.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Things I Have Learned

By Andy Rooney

I Have Learned that...

... the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

... when you're in love, it shows.

... just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

... having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

... being kind is more important than being right.

... you should never say no to a gift from a child.

... I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

... no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

... sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

... simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

... life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

... we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

... money doesn't buy class.


... it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

... under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

... the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

... to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

... when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

... love, not time, heals all wounds.

... the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

... everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

... there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.




... no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

... life is tough, but I'm tougher.

... opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

... when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

... I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.

... one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

... a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

... I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

... when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

... everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

... it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

... the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

-----

Andy Rooney is one of my all time favorite TV personalities. Many conclusions to CBS Televion's "60 Minutes" have enthralled me with his witticisms and philosophy. Few people of any profession can coin a thought like Mr. Rooney. I recommend that you mail this message to anyone whose day you'd like to enlighten. - Truly, Pete Barkelew - Editor


Funny And Hilarious Engineer Stories!

Engineers are complicated people, these are some of the ways you can understand them.

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice, The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,


so we let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."
The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine them to see if there's anything I can do for them."
They were silent for a moment.
Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline adjacent to a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.