Sunday, June 25, 2017

Pleasure

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.

The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.

Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire.

With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to carress her bare flesh.

He expertly guided his hands through her tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam.


She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.

And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big!..... it will never fit!"

Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her.

As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.

And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.

Oh, yes, this woman would want more.

She would want to do it again and again and again.

Because she loves shopping for shoes....



No Need To Run

The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.

"This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto".

Well the Captain forgets to switch off the intercom.

The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot,

"Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?"

Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.


"Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night".

Well, everyone in the plane's trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off.

Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag - and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says,

"No need to run dearie, he's got to take a dump first!"



Saturday, June 24, 2017

No Ears

Merv was in a terrible accident at work.

He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews.


The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him,

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

And the gentleman answered,

"Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."

Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy.

He asked her the same question,

"Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears."

Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three.


It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college.

He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said,

"What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,
"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"



New Pastor

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners.

All went well until he came to one house.

It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.

Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

(Revelation 3:20 reads:
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me.")


The next day as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate.

Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10."

(Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.")



New Lawyer In Town

Gary grew up in Mitchell's Plain, an average suburb of Cape Town, then moved away to attend college and law school.

He decided to come back to Mitchell's Plain, because he could be a big man there.

He opened his new Law office.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the steps to his new office and decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door Gary picked up the phone.

He motioned the man in, while talking.


"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes.

All the while the man sat patiently as Gary rattled instructions.

Finally, Gary put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied,

"I'm from TelCom, I've come to connect your telephone line".



Friday, June 23, 2017

NASA And The Navajo

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian Reservation in Arizona.

One day, a Navajo Elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew.

The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated.

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the Moon.

The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the Moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.


After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it.

He refused.

So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the Elder's message to the Moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator.

He reported that the Moon message said,

"Watch out for these fuckers: they have come to steal your land."



Matter of Experience

A man had been crossing a street when a car slammed into him.

The pedestrian sued the motorist, whose lawyer made the following statement at the end of the trial.

“Your honor, my client was not at fault. He has been driving a car for thirty years, and has never had an accident, nor gotten so much as a speeding ticket. I do not think I need to say any more.”

Unimpressed, the lawyer for the plaintiff rose.


“Your honor, since counsel insists on bringing up the matter of experience, may I remind the court that my client has been walking for over seventy years…”



Man in Ford Granada

This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.

Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls:

"Hey, you got a telephone in there?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too... see?"

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!"

"Uh-huh."

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?"

And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"


"Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!"

The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada.

He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"

"Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"



Lip Prints

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.


She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.



Thursday, June 22, 2017

King Solomon's Judgement

Two women ran into the court of King Solomon, fighting.

"My daughter was to marry this man, but this woman claims that the man was to marry HER daughter!" one of them yelled.

"There is a simple solution," said the King.

"I shall cut the man in two and each of your daughters can have a piece."

"Fine by me!" said the first woman.

"No, don't, I would rather let the other girl marry him than that!" cried the second.

The King didn't hesitate for a minute.


"Fine." he said. "The first woman my have him."

"What?" protested the other.

"She wanted him cut in two!"

"Indeed." said the king.

"She shows the true spirit of a mother-in-law!"