Monday, June 26, 2017

Religious Boyfriend

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.

This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in."

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend,

"I had no idea you were so religious."

The boy turns and whispers back,

"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Psych Test - The Answer Will Terrify You!

This is a genuine psychological test.

It is a story about a girl.

Whilst at the funeral of her own mother, she met this guy whom she did not know.

She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be, that she fell in love with him there and then.

A few days later the girl killed her own sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

DON'T Scroll down until you have thought what your own answer is to this question!!!!!

Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.

This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered it correctly. If you didn't answer correctly - good for you.

But if your friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that you keep your distance.

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Problems With Sex

I went to a psychiatrist because I was having severe problems with my sex life.

The psychiatrist asked me a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of my problems.

Finally he asked,

"Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy,... she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said,

"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching her sister and me through the window."

The psychiatrist fainted!


The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.

The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.

Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire.

With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to carress her bare flesh.

He expertly guided his hands through her tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam.

She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.

And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big!..... it will never fit!"

Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her.

As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.

And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.

Oh, yes, this woman would want more.

She would want to do it again and again and again.

Because she loves shopping for shoes....

No Need To Run

The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.

"This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto".

Well the Captain forgets to switch off the intercom.

The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot,

"Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?"

Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.

"Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night".

Well, everyone in the plane's trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off.

Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag - and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says,

"No need to run dearie, he's got to take a dump first!"

Saturday, June 24, 2017

No Ears

Merv was in a terrible accident at work.

He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him,

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

And the gentleman answered,

"Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."

Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy.

He asked her the same question,

"Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears."

Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three.

It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college.

He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said,

"What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,
"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

New Pastor

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners.

All went well until he came to one house.

It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.

Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

(Revelation 3:20 reads:
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me.")

The next day as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate.

Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10."

(Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.")

New Lawyer In Town

Gary grew up in Mitchell's Plain, an average suburb of Cape Town, then moved away to attend college and law school.

He decided to come back to Mitchell's Plain, because he could be a big man there.

He opened his new Law office.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the steps to his new office and decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door Gary picked up the phone.

He motioned the man in, while talking.

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes.

All the while the man sat patiently as Gary rattled instructions.

Finally, Gary put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied,

"I'm from TelCom, I've come to connect your telephone line".

Friday, June 23, 2017

NASA And The Navajo

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian Reservation in Arizona.

One day, a Navajo Elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew.

The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated.

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the Moon.

The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the Moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it.

He refused.

So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the Elder's message to the Moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator.

He reported that the Moon message said,

"Watch out for these fuckers: they have come to steal your land."

Matter of Experience

A man had been crossing a street when a car slammed into him.

The pedestrian sued the motorist, whose lawyer made the following statement at the end of the trial.

“Your honor, my client was not at fault. He has been driving a car for thirty years, and has never had an accident, nor gotten so much as a speeding ticket. I do not think I need to say any more.”

Unimpressed, the lawyer for the plaintiff rose.

“Your honor, since counsel insists on bringing up the matter of experience, may I remind the court that my client has been walking for over seventy years…”