Temperance Sermon

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A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor.   “If I had all the beer in the world,   I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And the congregation cried,   “Amen!”

“And if I had all the wine in the world,   I’d take it and throw it in the river.”

And the congregation cried,   “Amen!”

“And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world,   I’d take it all and throw it in the river.”

And the congregation cried,   “Amen!”

The preacher sat down.

The deacon stood up.   “For our closing hymn,”   he announced,   “let us turn to page 126 and sing,   ‘We shall all gather at the river’   .”

–End–

Taxi Driver Goes To Heaven

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.   Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses,   a loud shirt,   leather jacket,   and jeans.   Saint Peter addresses this guy:   “Who are you,   so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”   The guy replies:   “I’m Joe Cohen,   taxi driver,   of Noo Yawk City.”

St. Peter consults his list.   He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”   The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff,   and it’s the minister’s turn.

The minister stands erect and booms out,   “I am Joseph Snow,   pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years.”   St. Peter consults his list.   He says to the minister,   “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,”   says the minister.   “That man was a taxi driver,   and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.   How can this be?”   “Up here,   we work by results,”   says Saint Peter.   “While you preached,   people slept;   while he drove,   people prayed.”

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