They’re back! Church Bulletins. Thank God for church ladies with errant keyboard skills.

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins around the U.S., or were announced in church services:

1. – Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the St. Martin’s Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.

2. – The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

3. – The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight “Searching for Jesus.”

4. – Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

5. – Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

6. – The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

7. – Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

8. – Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

9. – Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

10. – For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11. – Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

12. – Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Father Jack’s sermons.

13. – The Priest will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing “Break Forth Into Joy.”

14. – Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

15. – A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

16. – At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

17. – Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

18. – Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

19. – Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

20. – The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

21. – Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

22. – The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

23. – This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

24. – Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

26. – The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

27. – Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

28. – The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

29. – The Priest unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”