The Funniest Senior Moment

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story?
If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.

Please share this fun story with friends

Give Your Best and The World Comes to You

Its Just Awesome… Every person should know and do this. Read it….

A Little boy went to a telephone booth which was at the cash counter of a store and dialed a number. The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:

Boy: “Lady, can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?”

Woman: (at the other end of the phone line) “I already have someone to cut my lawn.”

Boy: “Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price than the person who cuts your lawn now.”

Woman: “I’m very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting the lawn.”

Boy: (with more perseverance) “Lady, I’ll even sweep the floor and the stairs of your house for free.”

Woman: “No, thank you.”

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.

Store-owner: “Son, I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job.”

Boy: “No thanks, sir”

Store-owner: “But I have heard you were really pleading for one.”

Boy: “No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!”

*”This is called Self Appraisal”

Give your best and the world comes to you!!!

Moral: This is what we call ‘Self Appraisal’. Every time if we don’t get ahead of others, we blame others for it. We should look to our self and compare, find own weaknesses and work hard to throw away weaknesses. Always Work Hard, Honest and with full Dedication. It will always pay up.

All In The Family

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery.

The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand.

“We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.

“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”

“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.

“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered.

“But she’s a humble spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters.’ They are married to God.”

“Wonderful,” said Smith.

“In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

GOD Always Gives Us More Beyond Our Expectations – Short Moral Story

Once upon a time, there was a boy went to a shop with his mother.

The shop keeper looked at the small cute child and showed him a bottle with sweets and said,
“Dear Child… you can take the sweets…”

But the child didn’t take it. The shop keeper was surprised… for such a small child he is and why is he not taking the sweets from the bottle.

Again he said take the sweets…

Now the mother also heard that and said… “common, take the sweets dear…”

Yet the child didnt take…

 

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The shopkeeper seeing the child not taking the sweets… he himself took the sweets and gave it to the child.

The child was happy to get two hands full of sweets.

While returning home the Mother asked the child… Why didn’t you take the sweets, when the shop keeper told you to take it?

( Can you guess the response of the child? You will love this…)
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The child replies…

“Mom! my hands are very small and if I take the sweets I can only take few… but now you see when uncle gave with his big hands… how many more sweets I got.”

Moral:
When we take, we may get little but when God gives… HE gives us more beyond our expectations… more than what we can hold!!

 

God always gives the very best to those who leave the choice to him.

 

A Mother and Her Married Daughters Humor

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period.

Because mom was a bit worried about how their love lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how they felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but “Nescafe.” Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: “Good till the last drop.” Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read:

“Benson & Hedges.” Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: “Extra Long. King Size.” She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing.

Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: “British Airways.” Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline.

The ad said: “Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.”

A Native Indian Loan $500 And After Paying The Banker He Said This – Must Read

This may seem like a joke, but it really does make a lot of sense… business sense, horse sense and common sense.

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500.

The banker pulled out the loan application.
“What are you going to do with the money?” he asks the Indian.

“Buy Silver, make jewelry, and sell it,” was the response.

“What have you got for collateral?”

“Don’t know collateral,” replied the Indian

“Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.
“Have you got any vehicles?”

“Yes. 1949 Chevy pickup,” replied the Indian

The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?”

“Yes, I have a horse,” replied the Indian

“How old is it?” the banker asks.

“Don’t know, has no teeth,” replies the Indian

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank.

He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here to pay.” he said.

He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

“What are you going to do with the rest of that money?” the banker asks.

“Put in hogan”, replied the Indian

“Why don’t you deposit it in my bank,” the banker asked.

“Don’t know deposit,” replied the Indian

“You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you.
Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it.”

The old Indian leaned across the desk and asks the banker…
“What you got for collateral?”

Share this with folks you want to cheer up or smarten up!

Teenager Thought He Was Only Helping A Man In Need. But Is Shocked When He Handed Him This.

“Today I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and saw a clearly homeless guy sitting on the side of the road and picking up change.

Eventually I saw him stroll into Dunkin, as he was counting his change to buy something I began to get super annoying and talked to him over and over again even when he didn’t really want to talk.

Since he had maybe $1 in change I bought him a coffee and bagel and asked him to sit down with me.

He told me a lot about how people are usually very mean to him because he’s homeless, how drugs turned him into the person he hated, he lost his mom to cancer, he never knew his dad and he just wants to be someone his mom would be proud of (along with another hours worth of conversation.)

This lovely mans name was Chris and Chris was one of the most honest & sincere people I’ve ever met. After realizing I really need to get back to class Chris asked me to wait so he can write something down for me. Handing me a crumpled up receipt he apologized for having shaky hand writing, smiled, and left.

I opened his note and this was it.

‘I wanted to kill myself today, because of you I now do not. Thank you, beautiful person.’

The Most Advance Diagnostic Computer – Amazing and Funny!

One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley, “My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”

“Listen, Bob, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Stan replies.

“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars… a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So, Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a Doctors certificate for your employer.”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for good measure.

He then went back to Wal-Mart, eager to test the computer. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.

In ten seconds the computer prints the following:

“1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant –Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don’t stop fishing, your elbow will never get better.”

“And, as always… Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”

Bob fainted!

The Cracked Water Pot – Wisdom Story

A water bearer had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master’s house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master’s house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream.

“I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you. “Why?” asked the bearer. “What are you ashamed of?”

“I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house.

Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said,

“As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it somewhat.

But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you’ve watered them.

For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master’s table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.”

Moral Lesson:
Each of us has our own unique flaws. We’re all cracked pots. In this world, nothing goes to waste. You may think like the cracked pot that you are inefficient or useless in certain areas of your life, but somehow these flaws can turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

Truth And Humor Of Children

Nowhere will you find more truth and humor than the innocence of a child…
Read what some children have said when approached with unique situations.

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor’s office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist’s desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.

Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man’s, he said, “I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”

———-

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.

After mulling over my answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don’t think she knows how to use them.”

———-

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a
little wistful. “In ten years,” I said, “you’ll want to be with your friends and you won’t go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.”

Carolyn shrugged. “In ten years you’ll be too old to do all those things anyway.”

———-

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.

“No, no, no!” she screamed.

“Lizzie,” scolded her mother, “that’s not polite behavior.”

With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!”

———-

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my
son, “Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?”

After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, “You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.”

———-

Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke
the news to him. “I’m going to be away for a long time,” I told him. “I’m going
to Iraq.”

“Why?” he asked… “Don’t you know there’s a war going on over there?”

———-

Paul Newman founded the ‘Hole in the Wall Gang Camp’ for children stricken
with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne
Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids.

A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know
Newman was a famous movie star, explained, “That’s the man who made this
camp possible. Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?”

Blank stares.

“Well, you’ve probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.”

An eight-year-old girl perked up… “How long was he missing?”

———-

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can’t even begin to imagine how their mind is working…

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything… tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help with his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him with the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an ‘A’ in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, “Son, this is great! What was it? What helped you so much? Was it the nuns?”

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

“Well, then,” she replied, “Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?”

Little Zachary looked at her and said, ‘Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”

———-

The more people to whom you share, the more your friends will know you care.