The Funniest Senior Moment

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story?
If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.

Please share this fun story with friends

A Mother and Her Married Daughters Humor

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period.

Because mom was a bit worried about how their love lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how they felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but “Nescafe.” Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: “Good till the last drop.” Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read:

“Benson & Hedges.” Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: “Extra Long. King Size.” She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing.

Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: “British Airways.” Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline.

The ad said: “Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.”

A Native Indian Loan $500 And After Paying The Banker He Said This – Must Read

This may seem like a joke, but it really does make a lot of sense… business sense, horse sense and common sense.

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500.

The banker pulled out the loan application.
“What are you going to do with the money?” he asks the Indian.

“Buy Silver, make jewelry, and sell it,” was the response.

“What have you got for collateral?”

“Don’t know collateral,” replied the Indian

“Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.
“Have you got any vehicles?”

“Yes. 1949 Chevy pickup,” replied the Indian

The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?”

“Yes, I have a horse,” replied the Indian

“How old is it?” the banker asks.

“Don’t know, has no teeth,” replies the Indian

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank.

He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here to pay.” he said.

He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

“What are you going to do with the rest of that money?” the banker asks.

“Put in hogan”, replied the Indian

“Why don’t you deposit it in my bank,” the banker asked.

“Don’t know deposit,” replied the Indian

“You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you.
Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it.”

The old Indian leaned across the desk and asks the banker…
“What you got for collateral?”

Share this with folks you want to cheer up or smarten up!

The Most Advance Diagnostic Computer – Amazing and Funny!

One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley, “My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”

“Listen, Bob, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Stan replies.

“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars… a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So, Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a Doctors certificate for your employer.”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for good measure.

He then went back to Wal-Mart, eager to test the computer. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.

In ten seconds the computer prints the following:

“1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant –Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don’t stop fishing, your elbow will never get better.”

“And, as always… Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”

Bob fainted!

Truth And Humor Of Children

Nowhere will you find more truth and humor than the innocence of a child…
Read what some children have said when approached with unique situations.

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor’s office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist’s desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.

Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man’s, he said, “I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”

———-

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.

After mulling over my answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don’t think she knows how to use them.”

———-

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a
little wistful. “In ten years,” I said, “you’ll want to be with your friends and you won’t go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.”

Carolyn shrugged. “In ten years you’ll be too old to do all those things anyway.”

———-

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.

“No, no, no!” she screamed.

“Lizzie,” scolded her mother, “that’s not polite behavior.”

With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!”

———-

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my
son, “Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?”

After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, “You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.”

———-

Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke
the news to him. “I’m going to be away for a long time,” I told him. “I’m going
to Iraq.”

“Why?” he asked… “Don’t you know there’s a war going on over there?”

———-

Paul Newman founded the ‘Hole in the Wall Gang Camp’ for children stricken
with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne
Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids.

A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know
Newman was a famous movie star, explained, “That’s the man who made this
camp possible. Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?”

Blank stares.

“Well, you’ve probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.”

An eight-year-old girl perked up… “How long was he missing?”

———-

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can’t even begin to imagine how their mind is working…

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything… tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help with his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him with the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an ‘A’ in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, “Son, this is great! What was it? What helped you so much? Was it the nuns?”

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

“Well, then,” she replied, “Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?”

Little Zachary looked at her and said, ‘Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”

———-

The more people to whom you share, the more your friends will know you care.

Power of Badge Story

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”

The rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.”

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.

“See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish… On ANY land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety.

The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.

“Your badge… Show him your BADGE! “

Curtain For Windows – Very Funny!

A very sexy and hot blonde enters a store that sells curtains.

She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.”

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.

He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, “Fifteen inches.”

“Fifteen inches?” asked the salesman.

“That sounds very small – what room are they for?”

The blonde tells him that they aren’t for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, “But miss, computers do not need curtains!”

The blond says, “Hellllooooooooo! I’ve got Windoooooows!”

Meaning Of Life – Funny Story!

On the first day God created the cow. God said,

“You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life… you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.” And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog.

God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.” So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey.

God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.”

Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?” And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.”

Man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, the ten dog gave back, and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.”

So, that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

This Old Woman Don’t Want To Spend Her Life On Nursing Home – You’ll Laugh If You Find Out Why!

About 2 years ago my friend and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room.

I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady.

I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises… back to back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, “I understand you’ve been on this ship for the last four cruises”.

She replied, “Yes, that’s true.” I stated, “I don’t understand” and she replied, without a pause, “It’s cheaper than a nursing home”.

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship.

The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for…

1. Gratuities, which will only be $10 per day. And the rest can be put into the slot machines.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips and your casino winnings will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don’t even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don’t look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don’t forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side… at no charge.

The Boss Collapsed When The Drunkard Given This Hilarious Example To Him

In an alcohol factory the regular tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,

“It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.”

“That’s correct”, said the boss.

Another glass.

“It’s red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south western slope, oak barrels.”

“Correct.”

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, made inside the office. And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll also tell who’s the father!”

The boss collapsed.