29 Church Bulletins You Might Want to Read!

They’re back! Church Bulletins. Thank God for church ladies with errant keyboard skills.

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins around the U.S., or were announced in church services:

1. – Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the St. Martin’s Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.

2. – The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

3. – The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight “Searching for Jesus.”

4. – Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

5. – Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

6. – The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

7. – Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

8. – Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

9. – Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

10. – For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11. – Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

12. – Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Father Jack’s sermons.

13. – The Priest will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing “Break Forth Into Joy.”

14. – Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

15. – A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

16. – At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

17. – Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

18. – Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

19. – Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

20. – The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

21. – Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

22. – The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

23. – This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

24. – Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

26. – The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

27. – Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

28. – The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

29. – The Priest unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”

Spell A Word

A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates,   being greeted by St. Peter.

She asked him,   “Oh,   is this place what I really think it is?   It’s so beautiful.   Did I really make it to heaven?”

To which St. Peter replied,   “Yes,   my dear,   these are the Gates to Heaven.   But you must do one more thing before you can enter.”

The woman was very excited,   and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.   “Spell a word,”   St. Peter replied.

“What word?”   she asked.

“Any word,”   answered St. Peter.   “It’s your choice.”

The woman promptly replied,   “Then the word I will spell is love.   L-o-v-e.”

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven,   and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.   “I’d be honored,”   she said,   “but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?”

St. Peter reassured her,   and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter’s chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates.   She realizes it is her loser husband.   “What happened?”   she cried,   “Why are you here?”

Her husband stared at her for a moment,   then said,   “I was so drunk when I left your funeral,   I was in an accident.   And now I am here?   Did I really make it to Heaven?”

To which the woman replied,   “Not yet.   You must spell a word first.”

“What word?”   he asked.

The woman responded,   “Czechoslovakia.”

Pearly Gates

St. Peter looked up,   and over 1000 folks from New Orleans were converging on the Pearly Gates.

Never having had more than one or two persons a day from New Orleans before,   he ran to God and asked him what to do.

God told him,   “Don’t worry,   St. Peter.   There’s been a terrible flood in New Orleans.   That’s the reason for the large number of New Orleanians showing up at once.”

St. Peter ran back to the Pearly Gates,   and then ran right back to God yelling,”They’re gone,   they’re gone!”

God said calmly,   “St. Peter,   those 1000 people from New Orleans could not be gone that quickly.”

St. Peter said,   “No,   the Pearly Gates!   They’re gone!”


Pope’s Blessing

The Pope was finishing his sermon.   He ended it with the Latin phrase,   “Tuti Homini”   – Blessed be Mankind.

A women’s rights group approached the Pope the next day.   They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind,   but not Womankind.   The next day,   after his sermon,   the Pope concluded by saying,   “Tuti Homini,   et Tuti Femini”   – Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope.   They said that they noticed he blessed Mankind and Womankind,   and asked if he could also bless gay people.   He said,   “Sure.”   The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with,   “Tuti Homini,   et Tuti Femini,   et Tuti Fruiti”

Osama bin Laden Goes To Heaven

After his death,   Osama bin Laden went to heaven.

There he was greeted by George Washington,   who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him,   “How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!”

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted,   “You wanted to end our liberties but you failed.”

James Madison entered,   kicked Osama in the groin and said,   “This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!”

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said,   “It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!”

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Randolph,   James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared.   Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel,   “This is not what you promised me.”

The Angel replied,   “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven.   What did you think I said?”

Honk If You Love Jesus

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, “for the love of God, GO! GO!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach…

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Human Resources Was Shocked After Choosing Her Destination!

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she as met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” said the woman. “Well, I’d like to,” replied St. Peter, “but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”

“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven,” said the woman.

“Sorry, we have rules…” And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.

In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.

Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

“Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.

She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. “So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.

She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looked at her and smiled.

“Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff…”

Heaven is Full

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, so St. Peter had to tell the first one,

“Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”

The first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. St. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator…”

Harley Davidson

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, Your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”

Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.”

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?”

Arthur said, “Yep, that’s me.”

God said, “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?”

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, “Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?”

God said, “Yes.”

“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!”

“Hmmmmm, you have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in some key words And waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

A Lawyer’s Good Deeds

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter asked him, “What have you done to merit entrance into

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter
to a homeless person on the street.”

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after
a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.

Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite
enough to get you into Heaven.”

The Lawyer said, “Wait, wait! There’s more! Three years ago, I also
gave a homeless person a quarter.”

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to
affirm that it was true.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”!

God VS Satan

God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,   so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Satan created McDonald’s.   And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger.   And Satan said to Man,   “You want fries with that?”   And Man said,   “Super-size them.”   And Man gained pounds.

God created the healthful yogurt,   that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.

Satan froze the yogurt,   and he bought forth chocolate,   nuts and brightly-colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt.   And Woman gained pounds.

God said,   “Try my crispy fresh salad.”

Satan brought forth creamy dressings,   bacon bits,   and shredded cheese.   And there was ice cream for dessert.   And Woman gained pounds.

God said,   “I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.”

Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter.   And Man gained pounds,   and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

God brought forth running shoes,   and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

Satan brought forth Cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.   And Man gained pounds.

God brought forth the potato,   a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them.   And he created sour cream dip also.   And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.   Satan saw this and said,   “It is good.”   And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Satan created HMO’s…