All In The Family

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery.

The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand.

“We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.

“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”

“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.

“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered.

“But she’s a humble spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters.’ They are married to God.”

“Wonderful,” said Smith.

“In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am.

Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children.

So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again.

He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand.

My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her… “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where I am now?

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Wedding dress $5000. Wedding Tux rental-$100.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your oyster.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, but more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

30 Days Later

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation.

They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the seance, she called out, “John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”

A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.”

Martha tearfully asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?”

“It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.”

“What do you do all day?” asked Martha.

“Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.”

Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven really is like?”

John replied, “Heaven? I’m not in heaven, I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”

A Drunk in Church

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town.

Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the church and into the building, where he stumbled from pew to pew.

He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress.

Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional.

There was a lengthy silence.

Finally the priest asked,

“May I help you, my son?”

“I dunno.” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition.

“You got any toilet paper on your side?”

A Million Years

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord..

“God, what does a million years mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A minute.”

Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A penny.”

Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?”

The Lord replies, “Oh sure, just in a minute.”

90 Years Old Baseball Player

Two ninety-one year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day.

“Sam,” says Moe, “You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you’ve got to let me know if there’s baseball in Heaven.”

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says,

“Moe, you’ve been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I’ll do for you.”

And shortly after that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple of nights later.

Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, “Moe…. Moe….”

“Who is it?” says Moe sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Moe, it’s me, Sam.”

“Come on. You’re not Sam. Sam just died.”

“I’m telling you,” insists the voice. “It’s me, Sam!”

“Sam? Is that you? Where are you?”

“I’m in heaven,” says Sam, “and I’ve got to tell you, I’ve got really good news… and a little bad news.”

“So, tell me the good news first,” says Moe.

“The good news,” says Sam “is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who’ve gone before us are there. Better yet, we’re all young men again. Better yet, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!”

“Really?” says Moe, “That is fantastic, wonderful, beyond my wildest dreams! But, what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching next Tuesday!”

Unexpected Twist.. Very Funny

A student failed in law & decided to make a deal with professor.

Sir, do you know everything about law?

Prof: Yes.

Student: If you can answer this question, i will accept my final marks, if you cant, you have to give me “A” Grade.

Professor agreed.

Boy asked: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?”

Prof thought about it for hours & pondered no answer.

He had to finally give up as he really did not know.


He gave the boy his “A” Grade.

The following day, professor asked same question to his students.

He was shocked when all of them raised their hands.

He asked one student.

He answered: Sir, you are 65, married to 28 yrs old woman, this is legal but not logical.

Your wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal.

Your wife’s boyfriend has failed in his exam & yet you have given him an “A” Grade, This is neither logical nor legal.

The professor collapsed…

Student Says He’s Too Smart For First Grade. Then This Happens. – This is Epic

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied, “I’m too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than her too.”

The teacher took him to the principal’s office and explained the situation to the principal.

The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet.

The teacher and Johnny both agreed.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Johnny: “9.”

Principal: “6 x 6?”

Johnny: “36.”

And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher “I see no reason Johnny can’t go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right.”

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.

Teacher: “What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?”

Johnny: “Legs”

Teacher: “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?”

The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, “Pockets.”

Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Johnny: “Pants.”

Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?”

Johnny: “Firetruck.”

The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.”

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Surprise Party – Hilarious Story

Last week was my birthday, My wife didn’t wish me, My parents forgot and so did my kids.

I went to work, Even my colleagues did not wish.

As I entered my cabin my secretary said, “Happy birthday Boss!”

I felt special. She asked me for lunch.

After lunch she invited me to her apartment. We went there!

She said,

“You mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”

“OK”, I said in a sexy mood.

She came out 5 minutes later with a cake & My wife, My parents, My kids, My friends and My colleagues.

All screaming “SURPRISE SURPRISE!”

And,

I was waiting on the sofa, NAKED!