An Old Lady Tells The Doctor About Her Gas Problem. His Solution Was Brilliant.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says :

“Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.

My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office.

“You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.” the old woman added.

The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady comes back.

“Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts…although still silent…stink terribly.”

The doctor says, “Good!!! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

Goldfish Funeral

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,

“What are you doing there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was very concerned.

“That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied,

“That’s because he’s inside your fricking cat.”

Grandma Test

I was out walking with my 4-year-old Grand daughter.

She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth.

I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

“Why?”, my Granddaughter asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground; you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs,” I replied.

At this point, my Granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”

I was thinking quickly.

“All Grandmas know this stuff. It’s on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Grandma.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

“Oh…..I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the Grandpa”.

“Exactly!”, I replied with a big smile on my face.

— End —

If this story makes your day, please pass it on.

Cats

A recently widowed old Jewish lady was sitting on a beach in Florida.

She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up,   placed his blanket on the sand nearby,   and began reading a book.

Smiling,   she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

“Hello sir,   how are you?”

“Fine,   thank you,”   he responded,   and turned back to his book.

“I love the beach.   Do you come here often?”   she asked.

“First time since my wife passed away last year,”   he replied.

“Do you live around here?”   she asked.

“Yes,”   he answered,   continuing to read.

She continued trying to keep him talking.

“Do you like pussycats?”

With that,   the man threw his book down,   jumped off his blanket onto hers,   whipped off both their swimsuits,   and gave her the most passionate ride of her life.

As the cloud of sand began to settle,   She gasped and asked the man,

“How did you know that’s what I wanted?”

The man replied,   “How did you know my name was Katz?”

An 86 Years Old Murder Case – You Will Surely Die Laughing

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney : Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fools!” And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.

Apply for Social Security

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

“I will have to go home and come back later.”

The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”

So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.

She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

She says, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too!”

An Old In The Theater

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

“Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The old man just groaned but didn’t budge.

The usher became more impatient.

“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”

Once again, the old man just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right, buddy, what’s your name?”

“Fred,” the old man moaned.

“Where ya from, Fred?” asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle,

Fred replied, “the balcony.”


A government big enough to give you everthing you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.

Thomas Jefferson

Aerobics Class for Seniors

A woman on the phone to her friend;

“I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors…

…I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.”


Annual Physical

A woman sat in the waiting room when her octogenarian husband was in the examination room for his annual physical.

After awhile, the doctor came out and said:

“Mrs. Garcia, the nurse is helping your husband with his clothes and he should be out in a minute. As far as I can tell, he is in excellent health for his age. However, I am curious about something.”

The woman said:

“Yes Doctor, what’s that?”

The doctor said:

“During the examination, Mr. Garcia said he was pleased that the bathroom lights came on automatically when he went to urinate in the middle of the night. Can you tell me what that’s all about?”

The woman took a deep breath and said:

“Oh no! he’s peeing in the fridge again!”

Funny Proposal Story!

There were two elderly people (in their 60’s), George and Sheila, living in a North Carolina mobile home park in the suburbs of Concord.

He was a widower and she a widow and they had known one another for a number of years.

One evening a supper was held in the communal refectory and the two found themselves at the same table, seated across from one another.

As the meal progressed, George made several admiring glances at Sheila and he finally gathered his courage to ask her, ‘Sheila, will you marry me?’

After about five seconds of “careful consideration”, Sheila answered…

‘Yes. Yes, I will.’

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, then they went to their respective caravans.

Next morning, George was troubled:

‘Did she say “yes” or did she say “no”?’ He couldn’t remember.

Try as he would, he just could not recall.

Not even a faint memory.

So it was with some trepidation that he went to the telephone and called Sheila.

Firstly, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, George inquired gingerly,

‘Sheila, when I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No”?’

George was delighted to hear her Sheila say, ‘Why, I said, “Yes, yes I will” and I meant it with all my heart.’

Then she continued, ‘I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember for the life of me who had asked.’

Grandparents Never Die, They Become Invisible, Everyone Must Read This, It’s Heartwarming!

Our grandparents, even when they die, they stay forever in our hearts.

We miss them every day, and sometimes we are ready to give everything in order to hear their stories, as well as to feel them by our side, and to look at those eyes which are filled with tenderness.
Even though our grandparents have the joy to see us coming on this world, and growing up as well, the fact is that we are those who watch them saying goodbye to the world. The first farewell that every child has to face with in the childhood is usually the death of a grandparent.

Grandparents actually play a very active role in our childhood they shape our spirits, as well as transfer their legacy to us which will accompany us for the rest of our lives, long after they have become invisible.

Nowadays, it is a very common thing to see grandparents playing an active role in raising their grandchildren. In many of today’s families, they represent the invaluable support. And the children are those that sense very well how the role of their grandparent is different than those of their parents.

It is quite common, but yet we will mention that the grandparents and their grandchildren develop a very special bond between them, which is also deep and intimate, and in itself it holds so much that the death of a grandparent can be devastating and delicate for the child. This is the reason why in today’s article, we are going to reflect this subject to you.

1. The first experience of dealing with loss – saying goodbye to a grandparent

Those who came to their adulthood with their grandparents by their side, are actually truly privileged, but those who have not, have experienced the death of these close relatives when they were only kids, and that’s why they still don’t really understand the magnitude of the situation.

In such cases usually, the adults do not know how to soften the situation, in order to hurt less or even make them feel and understand better.
This is the reason why the adults should tell their children the truth then and there. This is an advice given by a lot of Psych pedagogues. It is of course of utmost importance to adapt the news to their age.

What should parents also avoid is the mistake of preventing the child get the last farewell with their grandparents, or maybe do the mistake of telling their children how their grandparents are now a star in the sky, or maybe sleeping in the sky.

First of all, we should make our children to understand the concept of death, without any metaphors, so we won’t confuse them or avoid any misconceptions.

If we say our children that his grandfather has left, the first question that the kid will ask is when he will return back. The second thing is that if we are trying to explain them the concept of death from the religious perspective, it is very important to emphasize the fact that the deceased is not going to come back.

These kinds of explanations should be brief, simple and right up to the point, as the brain of a child can only cover a portion of information.
Another very important thing is that the adults should not hide their feelings, as well as their tears from their kids. They must know that the death is not a taboo. In order to get through a loss, you must speak openly with them about the pain and the person you lost.

When they will get some better understandings of such unfortunate events, they will start speaking at the right time about it, but until then, we must be their guides towards it.

Finally, we should be very attentive as our kids will ask us a lot of questions, and the questions will require precise and intelligent answers.

The loss of a grandparent will always be a complex matter, so the best thing will be to be very careful about every question that your children will ask you.

2. Even if they are not, the grandparents are very present

– Even when they are long gone, they will always be a part of our lives, especially in those special situations we share with our family, as well as in the oral heritage that we share with the generations that come right after us.

– Our grandparents were actually those who held our hands while we were learning to walk, but they will hold our hearts forever, and they will reside there eternally, giving us their light and energy.

– Their presence is in those yellow old photos, but not in bur mobile phones. They are also present in the tree that once sowed, or maybe in a dress that your grandmother once sewed.

– They are also present in the smell of the cakes which will stay in our memory forever, or maybe in an advice that we got from them, a story they have shared with us, in the way they taught us how to tie our shoes, or even in the dimple in the chin that we inherited from them.

– They are actually present in a delicate and deep mode. They never die, and this is due to the simple genetics. They show us how to walk a pace slower, how to enjoy an afternoon in country, learn the smell of an old but good book, as they have their own language which can go beyond words.

– It’s a hug language, gentle caress, an afternoon walk shared in silence or a complicit smile, and all of this will last forever, so this is how the real eternity of people takes place – in the affectionate heritage of those who not just really love us, but who truly honor us by remembering us every day.